The first time I went to a yoga studio, almost 14 years ago, I arrived filled with a mixture of anxiety and hope. I had done a bit of yoga, but had taken a break for a few years to have babies (this was before the days of pre-natal yoga classes.) So, I was anxious that I would feel ridiculous, and afraid I wouldn't be able to do any of the postures. I was afraid they'd expect me to chant, too! Still, I was hoping I could release some of the stress of my daily life, of being a Mother to very young children (my son was only two weeks old at the time - I had two daughters as well, ages 6 and 17 months.) I really needed to find some peace and quiet.

I had no idea what the class would be like. But, I had done a bit of "corporate" yoga when I was working at MassMutual, so I felt I could handle things generally. And, nothing ventured, nothing gained. All I knew was that I was tired, stressed out, and living unconsciously, just trying to get through life. As Deepak Chopra says, I was a "human doing, not a human being."

So, I found a studio in the Yellow Pages (yes, folks, this was before such things as the Internet!) and told my husband when he came home from work that evening, "I'm exhausted and stressed out. I'm going to a yoga class tonight after dinner."

Well, it was scary. I was asked to leave my shoes at the door and take my socks off, too. With some anxiety, I quietly crept into the softly lit room and looked around. Some folks were already in the room, seated on bolsters, with blankets and blocks by their sides facing the front of the space. I found some props, and then "hid" myself in a spot towards the back of the room. The teacher came in and spoke gently with me for a few moments, whispering words of encouragement. And then she went to the front of the room and led us through a gentle Kripalu style posture class.

It was wonderful. I had taken "yoga" before, but had never experienced the integration of the breath with the postures. The teacher spoke of breathing into my whole body as I moved from side to side and from posture to posture. I felt amazingly peaceful afterward. I  used muscles I didn't know existed. I felt more alive than I had in years. I was grounded, yet wholly energized, too.

It was an epiphany. I knew more than anything after that class that I needed to do this practice, as much as possible, as often as possible. The feeling of fully inhabiting my body, of feeling the breath filling my body with energy and life force was something I would gladly do every day.

It's been many years since that first "true" yoga class. Have I done practice every day since then? Honestly, no - life gets in the way. But, I have never stopped practicing since then, and as my children grew older, and I gained more time for myself, I find that now I can practice 5 times a week, generally - even while teaching yoga, running a business and being a wife, and mother to those three children. (I did give up TV.) Over the years, I've had the opportunity to train as a yoga teacher, studying with amazing people who generously shared their expertise and wisdom with me. I've had times when I couldn't even do a sun salute, or even sit in dandasana (staff) posture because of the pain in my low back (that's a long story, for another blog entry). And I've had practices where I felt as if I was effortlessly floating from posture to posture. Through it all, the practice has been there for me, uncritical, compassionate, life changing, and forever evolving and deepening.

Why do I practice? Because it just feels good. I feel fully awake, aware and whole when I practice. In fact, I think I'm going to roll out my mat right now.